Hey everyone, well it's been a minute since I have posted. And yes it was on purpose. I just had to regather my thoughts as well as myself. It's hard sometimes to open up and just let go. But I have to remember who and what I am. I am a SURVIVOR of so many life changing things. I Survived abuse both physically and mentally. I survived failed relationships. I survived being told I would never be good enough. Yes I SURVIVED. So many people are thrust into darkness and never allow themselves to see once again the light. But it took me a while to remember that I am a fighter. Never will I allow anyone to place their bullshit upon my spirit. There are many people out here who are miserable and love nothing more than to make you miserable. I fell back into that trap for a moment. I did not value me. I allowed others thoughts concerning me to become my way of thinking as well. I felt because someone didn't love me then I must not love myself either. So I returned back to patterns of letting myself become abused. I thought well that was the way I am supposed to be. My life became dark again and it took God given strength to pull myself up out of that blackness. I have got to show the strength that was bestowed upon me so yes there will be times when the past will try grabbing hold of me but I have to remember I AM A SURVIVOR and that trumps all...!

ps. do not forget to get Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths, Missy Smith
This book is not what you think it is is. It's better. http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005EGKDQG

Creative Luv to all my sisters and brothers in the ink.

Hold'n U Down, Love

Hold'n u down

Love,

I remember them days back when

It was you and I till the end back then

Riding till we die we said

Guess that time came sooner than later

Now gone our separate ways, I hate it

But time heals all wounds they say

How much time does it take I say

Cuz it’s been a minute+ a couple of days

Remember when the love flowed freely

Your strong arms holding me securely

Should have known it wouldn't last cuz shit was too easy

Fighting for respect brought about constant regrets

Our forever became our for right now

Unpredictable love

Crazy love

Never quite right type of love

Down

I fell

Never truly getting back up

Midway

Caught in-between limbo

We go

Separate ways

Inconsistent days

Memories of you and I

Tears I'd often cry

Retraced steps when I held u down

The impossible meant nothing where you were concerned

Whatever you needed, "I" made sure you had it

Should we,

Could we,

Dare we

Give it another try?

hmmmmmmmm.......

　

I want tonight....

When love wishes to grab hold, never letting go.
When the hands of time chooses to keep you trapped.
When misery loves your company.
When your heart simply does not know how to let go.

You have to take a stand, fight through the tears, fears and aloneness to take back the most important thing ever. YOU!

Author Reflectionist Missy Smith


I want tonight
To be the night

That you,

Don’t say you want to kiss me when you really don’t

Don’t say you want to hold me when you really wont

Don’t say you love me when you know you don’t

Don’t say it feels so right when it’s really wrong

Don’t say forever when it’s actually today

Don’t play don’t play

Please, don’t play

Don’t take my heart for it’s not for sale

Give me forever only if you can

Give me tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow

Love's bleeding pleas of sorrow

Unexpected your semi rejection

Never understood you being half in

Half out

I'm totally out

My mind

Behind this loss of time

Loss of reason

Loss of rhyme

Tortures winds

Blowing

I'm dancing in the midst of pains bliss

Half in

Half out

Stuck in-between self doubt

Should I,

Should I not

Totally let go?

Why I love(d) him

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005EGKDQG

OK so I wanted to change things up and write this Reflection on why I love (d) a certain individual who happened to grace my life for a few years. Though we are no longer I wanted to share not just the bad but also the good. Love can be good and for a brief moment between him and I it was.

Enjoy

Why I love (d) him
Missy Smith
All rights reserved


I love (d) you not for the materialistics you enhanced my life with
I love (d) you not for the color of your skin
I love (d) you not for your A list status
I could care less about who you know or knew
I love (d) you for you
For the way your nose would crinkle when smiling
The way your eyes would tear when laughing too hard
The way you would call and say "Hey Mami I just wanted to hear your voice
I love (d) ‘you’ for you
The you who was fearless and full of life
The you who loved old school music and still wore converse just because
The you who made me melt from a single kiss
Who had my soul crazy
Sending my spirit higher and higher
I love (d) you not for the man you were but for the man you are
A love so powerful till this day still shakes my core
And though our love affair is no more
I pray I find again this intensity within my lifetime
And so, if anyone should again ask
Why I love (d) you
I would say with painful joy
Simply because you are beautiful

Lil' Gyrl Blues.... ( A story of Self Discovery and Surviving)

Lil’ Gyrl Blues
Missy Smith
All rights reserved


Sometimes, I allow the past to wreak havoc on my future.
I would revert back to that little girl who was abused physically/ mentally and think that is all I am.
Damaged!

I at times force myself to realize that I am so much more than that.

I am a Strong Intelligent Rising Queen who overcame trials and tribulations showing yes, it can be done.

But then something or someone from my past would throw out subtle reminders that I may not be all that I seem and that I am not as strong as I wish others to believe.

And so I would huddle off into my corner of self doubt, staring off into the window of pains past crying. Pleading to God just let me go.

To drift off into a sleep so deep until awakening was no longer an option. See I am strong just not as strong as I think or thought I was but still strong nonetheless.

And this is the conflictions that I live with which allows my lil' gyrl blues to invade.
Attacking my grown woman joys snatching me back into that place of darkness once more.

Unstable I realized I am but not as unstable as I once was. I need to remember I am someone who yes has been through hell and back making occasional pit stops back to hell here and there but I Survived.

I Survived the abuse, the depression, the fears, the anger, the tears, the self doubts, the loneliness and this is what I need to remind "me" of.

No longer am I that lil' gyrl. I am a Grown Woman who has to finally let go of the past because it does not define ME!

Now is the time for me to put on my big gyrl panties and Woman Up.

Accept the unexpected and learn from it while keeping 'me' moving in a forward direction.

No more will I allow myself to be that victim.
No more will I allow my Surviving to be in vain.
Now from this moment on I am fighting.
Fighting for the chance to be peacefully me.

This is a dedication to all who have been abused mentally and physically and who too struggles daily with doubts of self-worth.

Remember,

YOU ARE SOMEONE AND THAT IS WHAT THEY FEAR(ED)!!!!!

It Hurts

Never should abuse be tolerated. It's time we took a stand against abuse of any kind. Here is my story....

The confusion

The misusing

Of my trusting soul

Abusing my being

Ripping me apart

No longer whole

Now thrust into this hole

Black,

Darkness deep

He hit me

A slap was the beginning

Nearly killing me was our ending

Tears falling because I still love you

Believing when you said you only do this to show love

Damn,

I want to be normal

Don't want these scars

Don't want the lies I have to tell

Breakaway, faraway please away from me stay

Didn't know this would be my life

Never knew I'd be too afraid to fight (back)

Broken wings

Had me believing I was nothing

Suppressed my ability to just up and leave

And so I stayed

Endured

Cried

Told the lies

Kept quiet

Dinner on time

Clothes washed and neatly pressed

Laid still as you took me night after night

Until that night it almost became permanent

The punches

The kicking

The spitting

The I hate you's

As I lay silent on the floor gasping for air

Finally realizing I do not want to be here

Eyes closing

Spirit leaving

I'm almost there

Almost free

Freedom

Freedom

Yes,

The light I so clearly saw

Became dark once more

As I heard them say we have a pulse.....

　

The ex affect

The ex affect

I fell in love
Crashed and burned before I could save myself
7 long brutal years of bullshit and sin
Didn't wife me, though he lied and said he would see
He fed me the lines and I memorized them time after time
Dizzy and constipated from his fake ass I love you baby
Got my system overloaded off this dumb shit here
Wide open falling with no safety net
He was that itch I wish I'd never scratched
6'3 devouring my peaches and cream
About the only thing that kept me sing-ing
Guess that's what kept my ass stay-ing
Him playing in the garden which housed my secret treasure
Optical delusions of guilty pleasures
Found myself walking in the opposite direction
Needing another direction from the mess you had me in
Torn between truth and lies
Trying to figure which hurts less
Would it be your touch I miss(ed)?
Our sneaks to the roof or your momma's basement?
Or could I live with the lies
The cheating and misleading
The my battery died in my phone(why you couldn't call)
Or the had to work late excuses
Better yet could I live with letters from your ex?
Or the I'm just there to see my son (CYA= covering your ass)
Damn am I really this dumb?
Or is it my body's just numb?
Too battered to acknowledge the pain
Too tired to continue playing this game
Secret children, marriage to another, the breaking of my heart
All during our 7 together= Reason why you're now "EX"!

Late night thoughts

So it is 3:35am and I find myself sitting on the edge of my bed reflecting. Yes this is a normal occurrence with me but this day here is different. I let my mind wonder back into times when I was at my lowest of points. Yes we all have these moments when it seems everything is going good and then boom, the past sneaks in with intentions of stealing your joy. Not this time though. This is one of those situations when I am asking myself "you cannot be serious". A lot of things have happened to me over my 30 odd years hear on this earth and I can honestly say that my years have definitely been odd. I am like a puzzle whose pieces are meant to go into their places but for some reason they just don't so then you have to force them into that place or leave them out altogether. I know I know some will not get it but it is who I am. I am a complex woman. Wow did I just really say what my mom has said about me for all these years lol. Yep guess I did. But it is true nonetheless.

I am very complex. I am an intricate, delicate, sensitive, giving, shy individual who just sits back and watches. I have learned that life will never treat you in the manner you wish therefore you have to make life treat you as such. There are no limits to what you can achieve. I plan on reaching beyond the skies flying higher than any that for me is breath taking. So before retiring for a few hours of sleep, I wanted to leave you all with a reflection that I wrote in my newly published book Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths titled "Strength". I always read this reflection day and night because it gives me such a boost and much needed inspiration. So enjoy everyone and until my next post, Creative Luv, Missy.

“Strength”

There comes a time when one must stand and be counted.

Never is there reason to allow yourself to become beaten to the point of no return.

The road to “Strength” is paved with truth and wisdom's. Yet, many fail to see the value in this way of thinking. So many times we settle for less than what we truly believe we are worth.

Many will keep you down in order for themselves to rise up. Saying simply to self you are someone is not enough. You must do more than say it, you must also prove it. Not just to others, but to yourself that you are actually that someone who not only matters, but who also counts!

Is what I deeply fear....

Is What I deeply Fear
By Missy Smith

This is one of my many moments when realizing my demons at times return, causing me to question everything about myself.

It's not that I am not worthy
Or that my voice shall forget to shout truths
It's that I all too often ask myself does it make a difference?
Do I make a difference?
Is what I deeply fear


It's not that I am afraid
Or that my passion for inking revelations shall wane
Or that one day I will forever be lost in the crowd
It's that I’m feeling now my one day went from someday to this day
Teetering between realities
Never returning to my moment of free
Is what I deeply fear


I smile because it's what I do
I laugh because it helps calm nervousness
I cry because it allows my pains to release
Wondering do I have this thing called life figured out.
Not quite, is what I deeply fear


Running this race alongside billions
Seeming at times to be stuck at go
Lights flashing, constantly blinding
Like a deer in headlights I'm frozen
Staring into a place that's given and taken so much of my being
Stranded, feeling at times relegated to second fiddle
Consciously unconscious
Inspiring others
While forgetting myself in the process
Overly sensitive
Emotionally a ticking time bomb
Ready to explode without notice
Is what I deeply fear


Rarest jewel deep within the confines of my mind
At least that's what they all say
Priceless thinking’s where darkness never reaches
Bearing the mark of compassion upon my selfless soul
Knowing the me others have yet to see may in fact be the greatest loss for many
Do I matter?
If not, will I?
When gone will I be remembered?
If yes, then how so?
Will the positives of me outweigh the negatives of me?
Had I known better, trusting me more
This would not have been what I for years deeply feared.