Is what I deeply fear....

Is What I deeply Fear
By Missy Smith

This is one of my many moments when realizing my demons at times return, causing me to question everything about myself.

It's not that I am not worthy
Or that my voice shall forget to shout truths
It's that I all too often ask myself does it make a difference?
Do I make a difference?
Is what I deeply fear


It's not that I am afraid
Or that my passion for inking revelations shall wane
Or that one day I will forever be lost in the crowd
It's that I’m feeling now my one day went from someday to this day
Teetering between realities
Never returning to my moment of free
Is what I deeply fear


I smile because it's what I do
I laugh because it helps calm nervousness
I cry because it allows my pains to release
Wondering do I have this thing called life figured out.
Not quite, is what I deeply fear


Running this race alongside billions
Seeming at times to be stuck at go
Lights flashing, constantly blinding
Like a deer in headlights I'm frozen
Staring into a place that's given and taken so much of my being
Stranded, feeling at times relegated to second fiddle
Consciously unconscious
Inspiring others
While forgetting myself in the process
Overly sensitive
Emotionally a ticking time bomb
Ready to explode without notice
Is what I deeply fear


Rarest jewel deep within the confines of my mind
At least that's what they all say
Priceless thinking’s where darkness never reaches
Bearing the mark of compassion upon my selfless soul
Knowing the me others have yet to see may in fact be the greatest loss for many
Do I matter?
If not, will I?
When gone will I be remembered?
If yes, then how so?
Will the positives of me outweigh the negatives of me?
Had I known better, trusting me more
This would not have been what I for years deeply feared.

Critical

The state of Poetry is critical. What does that mean?  It means us Poets are at a place where we are often not taken serious. There are a lot of books out here today depicting various scenes and we as Poets and Reflectionists have to constantly compete with the other genres and a lot of times it is those genres that win out. Many do not fully understand Poets and their (our) poetry. So I wanted to give some insight into just who we as Poets truly are. We Poets are a passionate sort. We write from the soul. Now that is not to say writers of other genres do not but Poets find that voice from deep within that allows us to create in the manner that we do. Our words tell stories that are poignant. Rich with uniqueness  captivating all.

The Definition of a Poet is as follows:
1-One who writes poetry, maker of verses
2-one (as a creative artist) of great imagination and expressive capabilities
and special sensitivity to the medium.

The Definition of a Reflectionist is as follows:
Reflectionism i.e Reflectionist establishes a virtual "mirror", created through symmetry, by the process of detournement, to let the audience (or recipient) see himself/herself.

This is why I do not label myself simply as just a Poet. I am a Reflectionist with the heart of a Poet. Yes, I am the epitome of both Poet and Reflectionist combined.
When writing, I have no set subject that I pick to touch on. What is displayed in my writings is what comes to me in that very instance. Not every time will my words depict beauty, but they will always relay truth. I remember as a child when I first began writing, My Granny would tell everyone to let me be for I was in my Blueberry State of Mind. I never knew what that meant but as an adult I do now. Back then she knew my spirit was aching and I was in a state of blue.

Seeing the calming effects writing had on on me, she wanted me to have that sense of peace. It was unfortunate the way I found my way into writing. At the age of 6 I was abused by 2 uncles thus leading to me needing a way for my mind to escape. I remember the first day I picked up a pencil and paper and began writing. It was 3 days after my 6th birthday and after my first moments of being abused. I sat on my Granny's front porch ashamed and sad and I just needed to write about it. That very day still is etched into my mind.  I never thought my writings were for others to see, they were simply my secrets and dreams told to my best friend, my diary.

Many of us writers write for many reasons and I know that my reason is an emotional one.
I am an emotional writer of life and everything in-between.  As I grew more knowledgeable about what my writings truly encompassed, I found myself at the junction of should or shouldn't I. Should I share my openness with everyone by publishing my book or should I just continue to keep writings for my journal.  My 5th English Teacher God rest his soul who first noticed my love of writing gave me my first ever journal to record every moment whether I deemed them worthwhile or not. He would always say you just love going into detail with everything you write don't you. I would just laugh because he was so right.

Now into my adult years I knew my passions were for a purpose. I needed to show others that writing truths no matter how emotional is actually good for the soul. There is never going to be a time when we as Reflectionist and Poets are truly understood. We will always be that minority in the publishing world. But that needs to change. We Poets and Reflectionist need to be celebrated the same as other writers of different genres. I personally am a writer of "Life Poetry" but Poetry is told in a variety of ways. I embrace all my fellow Poets and Reflectionist's for the way we tell our stories is truly amazing. In the end I know we will never be fully understood or even fully embraced, but when its all said and done, we will be heard!

excerpt from Blueberry State of Mind

Upon My Throne

Upon my throne I sit surrounded by poetry

Volumes it speaks as my minds free flowing

Mesmerized as my voice recites beautifully emitted words

Skin beaming with caramel under tones

Black poetic beauty I am now known

A melancholy briefly whispered as quickly love kisses me so gently

Forever in my heart you linger

Upon my throne I sit surrounded by poetry

Years of various verses from various creative sorts

Words and wisdoms blending sublimely

Creativity at its best

My spirit paying homage to Maya Angelou, Gwendolyn Brooks, Rita Dove, Wanda Phipps, and Nikki Giovanni just to name a few

Following the winds of my poetic predecessors soaring high above

Preparing my place amongst the greats as I sit upon this poetic throne

Missy Smith, Author of Blueberry Sate of Mind, a collection of reflective truths is a Mother, Reflectionist, Writer, Author, Motivator, all in this order.

For more of Missy's life inspiring and heartfelt reflections please visit Amazon.com, Xlibris.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Booksamillion.com or your local bookstores and get your copy of her amazing truths told throughout all 130+pages of this remarkable and eye opening book.

Artists Supporting Artists

By now most of you know I have published my first book of "Life Poetry" titled Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths. I was so excited to see my baby come to life. I was giddy and scared at the same time. New to this whole process I finally learned the true meaning of 'Self Publishing' and all it entailed. It literally meant once your product was produced then the promoting and marketing was left all up to you the Author. Telling everyone before hand my book was being released, many became or so they said excited and anxious to read it. As it turns out those many anxious and excited ones congratulated me but have yet to purchase the book. It was a complete eye opener but it just made me focus harder on reaching those who have yet to hear about me and my writings.

Reaching out to other Authors asking for advice (Women Authors) seem to bring the usually let me get back with you or just keep pushing through everything happens in time answer. It let me know right there that not only we as human beings, but we as fellow artist do not wish to lend support to one another. It is truly sad. Now I will admit there were some nice Authors on face book who truly gave me some good information as well as congratulating me.

I am shouting them out because they deserve it. Author April Johnson, Author Angela Murphy and Author Renda Rose, Author Justice Chikandamina, Justice Clarke, Ant Pearson of W.A.C.S. online and Author- Poet Ricardo A Owens. (I also wish to thank those of you who have purchased my book. I truly appreciate it fully. Joyce Thomas, William Blackwell, Dwayne Morgan and those who I do not know by name again thank you for believing in me, supporting my dream.) There are other Authors who congratulated me and welcomed me into the fold but none offered help or advice on more ways of promoting your book, getting your name out there. If I saw an Author had a book signing, I would ask that Author excuse me but how did you go about making this happen. Answer, none. I have reached out to book clubs introducing myself and my book to them and while yes they would befriend me on face book, none took the time to directly answer messages I sent them while all the time I would see on their pages books they read and recommended to others. Are we that far into ourselves that helping the next artist is beyond the realm of reality? I would think we 'Women Authors' would lend a helping hand.

How wrong I was.

So I grew disgusted and saddened that my book had yet to attain the status as some of the other Authors I have been researching and following. God heard a many of my prayers on this situation and seen a lot of my tears and he knew I was ready to call it quits on the promoting of my book and then it hit me. The devil is busy. You do not give up because of the pettiness of others. Yes they at one time had to ask for help and yes someone helped them and yes they have forgotten to pay it forward but you ('Me') remember to always pay it forward. I had to remind myself that I am not a "SURVIVOR" for nothing. I 'Can and Will' do this. It may take longer as I am just figuring out some things but it will happen. As my mother points out. Rome was not built in a day. So I wiped away the tears, prayed to God to release the angst in my heart towards those who only think of themselves and I kept it moving.

So I want to thank you all who have refused to answer my questions on promoting my book further.

I want to thank you for being only into you and your dreams. I want to say good luck in achieving all that you have because Missy Smith, Author of Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths will surpass even my own expectations because I am a 'FIGHTER AND SURVIVOR' and if I can overcome abuse, a life threatening illness then I can surely overcome this. I am even more excited and amped to introduce myself to others for I am Missy Smith, writer of 'Life Poetry', Author of Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths!

The Truth

The truth behind my writings are just that. TRUTH. Everything written is everything I have or am experiencing. A lot of my reflections stay hidden while a lot I bring to the forefront. I am at times an emotional writer. My words more often than I care to admit do not emote beauty. But they do more times than enough depict truths. For years I have been trying to pretty up my words and found that to be pointless for I lost me in the process. I have countless pages of words which is that of beauty but to me its fake. I wrote what I felt others wanted me too. Reading some of those writings I felt the pains of it not being the true me. And so I had to go back to the style of writing that was truly me. I write what my heart wishes to be told. I cannot fake something that is not there. So book 1, Blueberry State of Mind, a collection of reflective truths is 130 pages filled with my various truths. I simply tell it like it is. No glossing it. No trying to make it pretty. For life isn't at all times pretty and that is what I write about. "Life". There are reflections in this book that will shock some but will also show you that through times of tribulations, one can heal. I am a SURVIVOR and plan on remaining one.

I truly encourage all to pick up this book. It is not what some would imagine. I do know that when one hears the word "Poetry" they think of something totally different. But when you hear "Life Poetry", what do you think of? "Life Poetry" is the emptying of one's soul. Barring all whether good or bad. Yes, "Life Poetry" is the telling of Life in a Poetic tone. Life Poetry may not always be pretty, but it is always truthful.