Lil' Gyrl Blues.... ( A story of Self Discovery and Surviving)

Lil’ Gyrl Blues
Missy Smith
All rights reserved


Sometimes, I allow the past to wreak havoc on my future.
I would revert back to that little girl who was abused physically/ mentally and think that is all I am.
Damaged!

I at times force myself to realize that I am so much more than that.

I am a Strong Intelligent Rising Queen who overcame trials and tribulations showing yes, it can be done.

But then something or someone from my past would throw out subtle reminders that I may not be all that I seem and that I am not as strong as I wish others to believe.

And so I would huddle off into my corner of self doubt, staring off into the window of pains past crying. Pleading to God just let me go.

To drift off into a sleep so deep until awakening was no longer an option. See I am strong just not as strong as I think or thought I was but still strong nonetheless.

And this is the conflictions that I live with which allows my lil' gyrl blues to invade.
Attacking my grown woman joys snatching me back into that place of darkness once more.

Unstable I realized I am but not as unstable as I once was. I need to remember I am someone who yes has been through hell and back making occasional pit stops back to hell here and there but I Survived.

I Survived the abuse, the depression, the fears, the anger, the tears, the self doubts, the loneliness and this is what I need to remind "me" of.

No longer am I that lil' gyrl. I am a Grown Woman who has to finally let go of the past because it does not define ME!

Now is the time for me to put on my big gyrl panties and Woman Up.

Accept the unexpected and learn from it while keeping 'me' moving in a forward direction.

No more will I allow myself to be that victim.
No more will I allow my Surviving to be in vain.
Now from this moment on I am fighting.
Fighting for the chance to be peacefully me.

This is a dedication to all who have been abused mentally and physically and who too struggles daily with doubts of self-worth.

Remember,

YOU ARE SOMEONE AND THAT IS WHAT THEY FEAR(ED)!!!!!

It Hurts

Never should abuse be tolerated. It's time we took a stand against abuse of any kind. Here is my story....

The confusion

The misusing

Of my trusting soul

Abusing my being

Ripping me apart

No longer whole

Now thrust into this hole

Black,

Darkness deep

He hit me

A slap was the beginning

Nearly killing me was our ending

Tears falling because I still love you

Believing when you said you only do this to show love

Damn,

I want to be normal

Don't want these scars

Don't want the lies I have to tell

Breakaway, faraway please away from me stay

Didn't know this would be my life

Never knew I'd be too afraid to fight (back)

Broken wings

Had me believing I was nothing

Suppressed my ability to just up and leave

And so I stayed

Endured

Cried

Told the lies

Kept quiet

Dinner on time

Clothes washed and neatly pressed

Laid still as you took me night after night

Until that night it almost became permanent

The punches

The kicking

The spitting

The I hate you's

As I lay silent on the floor gasping for air

Finally realizing I do not want to be here

Eyes closing

Spirit leaving

I'm almost there

Almost free

Freedom

Freedom

Yes,

The light I so clearly saw

Became dark once more

As I heard them say we have a pulse.....